Are you feeling lonely and want a partner so bad, but don’t feel it’s possible? Does the prospect of trying at dating kind of make you want to vomit?
Perhaps life feels a bit empty as a “party of one.” You might know you’re a good catch, but somehow it seems you’re meant to be alone. Getting dates isn’t necessarily a problem or hasn’t been in the past, but you’re not going to settle and no one seems quite right. Or maybe they did . . . and then it didn’t work out because of timing or distance and then you got discouraged or guarded your heart.
Do you look at dating sites and apps and you just don’t quite have the energy for it? Maybe you have other goals you’re working on like starting a side business or training for a marathon. Life is busy enough as it is too–just trying to work full-time, see friends, cook, clean, exercise, meditate, etc. can leave you wiped out! You don’t want to spend your precious free time swiping. It’s demoralizing. Most of the people aren’t physically attractive to you and maybe you even feel a little jerky “rejecting” people you haven’t met for fully superficial reasons. Something about it doesn’t feel right. Even when you get to messaging with people, you feel a bit like you’re half-assing it. Do you really want to give up an evening to get dressed up and meet this person? What if it totally bombs? You’ve probably been around the online dating block enough to know that you don’t have chemistry with most of your online dates and some are . . . . well, awkward!
So what’s up with this Eeyore cloud that’s been following your dating life around? If this is how the process is going, you reason you’re not going to get anywhere good. But you don’t want to give up entirely, because you REALLY want someone great! You’ve had enough chemistry and good times in the past that you know it’s possible. But how do you get from this miserable, pessimistic state to feeling like your best self, getting your flirt on and feeling truly open-hearted? Good question, my curious reader!
- Let’s start with mindfulness. Just be where you’re at. FEEL where you’re at. Notice the stories you’re telling yourself that aren’t based on objective facts. And cut yourself some serious slack for all of this. You’re human. You’re wonderful. You’re worthy. Yes, all of you! There’s no scarcity of worthiness; I promise.
- Ok, now it’s time to regroup. Recognize the issue isn’t that the rest of the world is broken . . . and neither are you. You just need a reframe! Check out my earlier Law of Attraction blog posts to help you get started on this. Focus on what you DO want, what you already appreciate and encouraging beliefs you already hold (such as “if I keep at it, I’m going to find a great partner eventually”). Practice this daily as a journaling exercise or a visualization.
- Start by getting to a better place with yourself. Raise your vibration if you will! Often when we are not seeing the possibilities, enjoying the dating process or feeling open to new people, it’s because we aren’t feeling like our best selves. Are you a bit OVER-attached to the idea of a new romantic partner? Could it be that you’re seeking external validation because you’re not feeling enough internal validation? Or maybe you’re not feeling enough playfulness, joy or sexiness in your life and are looking for a new person to give those to you? You know what this means, right? Quit working so much and take that dance class! Or make time to take care of your health by cooking some more meals at home and getting enough sleep. Give your mood a boost by reaching out to friends more often and spending more time in nature. Bottom line, figure out what YOU need from YOU and start there!
- Sometimes we feel FINE, but kind of dead inside when it comes to sex and romance. If that’s the case, no one is going to look that attractive to you. So, take some time to get in touch with your own sexual energy and open those energetic channels, so to speak. This might look like upgrading your wardrobe or getting a new haircut so you’re *feeling* yourself. It might look like reading some erotica, attending a burlesque show or getting your flirt on next time you’re out.
- Ok, now that you’re in a good place with YOU and your mojo is back in the building, let’s try a new, less stressful approach to meeting other sexy people! Dip your toe in by just being a more friendly person in general. Strike up a conversation with your Lyft driver or barrista just to be a friendly human! Then take this open and friendly attitude with you to your next OKCupid interaction, Match date or Bumble swipe. And if online dating still makes your toes curl, just build up your social circle by taking a class, joining a league, attending a lecture or workshop or joining a book club. Go to something where other people will be there. ONLY pick things you ENJOY. And don’t worry about the age or gender of folks attending. Even if you just make platonic friends, that’s great! Friends are always a win all on their own and one of them may introduce you to your person one day, ya never know! With that in mind, know that dates can have multiple positive outcomes. It’s not all about trying to get in bed with or marry the person eventually. It’s a win if you have a good time, learn something new, enjoy the activity or location, make a friend, make a business acquaintance, meet someone you want to set your friend up with or just got one person closer to a person who will be your partner. Also, think about how much pressure this takes off dating!!!
Alright, you have a game plan–now hop to it! And if you want some help in terms of accountability and encouragement, you know where to find me!
Learn more about Heather and how to schedule a session with her now!